*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
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I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
The Struggle
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)