*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
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When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?