Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Ok but actually
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.