me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
who wore it better?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*