Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.