Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
#merica
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples