Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
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I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?