*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”