Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
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My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.