doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
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Me, flirting😏
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Why I divorced her.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Put a ring on it
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick