Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows