there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Natural selection at its finest
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
584.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My typo game is string.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”