HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
You Might Also Like
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.