Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”