Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
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Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault