So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
you stereotypes are all alike
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
mumsnet is amazing