Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
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*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
This will teach them to underestimate me
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Why soy sad?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.