If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.