There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.