haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
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Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
new year update: losing everything but weight
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there