Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.