My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
You Might Also Like
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?