If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.