Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
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me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Erm…
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.