I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
This one’s “Alex”.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.