Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
But it’s not the “worst way” either…