Alexa, make me look good naked.
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The lion king: 馃幎it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What鈥檚 this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Neil Diamond: 馃幎HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS馃幎
CDC: NO
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it鈥檚 wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Parents: Don鈥檛 play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here鈥檚 a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
馃檳馃檲馃檴
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My daughter just told me I鈥檓 giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I鈥檓 finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It鈥檚 been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it鈥檚 preparing for take off
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*