I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
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If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Meow
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.