Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
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If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake