just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
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How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall