Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*