That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.