What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like