[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff