I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”