my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
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Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?