[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
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He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
goldfish mafia
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant