“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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I just love that new Pope smell.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.