“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
knights of the ikea table
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?