I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
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The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW