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If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Botany good plants lately?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off