WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
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In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.