In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.