[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Rather alarming headline…
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Our lord and savoury.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband