“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
why am I working on Labor Day
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.