I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Meow
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.