In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
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*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!