Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Holy shit he’s back
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila