a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
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Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Breaking news:
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.