“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
So true for me
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything